Andy Goodling (AG) and Scott Goodling (SG)
AG: Bryan was my best friend. But we were both very much in the closet. You know, we knew who we were we just didn’t want to actually say it. He would come over to my house. We would hang out, you know, and then we would hug each other inside the building. Say that I love you. And then immediately once we walked out the door — hat backwards, walking down the street, trying to be straight. I remember even when I first started seeing him I changed the name in my phone just in case he sent me a message.
SG: Did you change it to a girl’s name?
AG: Yes. Any possible way to show that I wasn’t gay I would do it.
SG: Talk to me a little bit about the last time you saw Bryan.
AG: It was when we took a trip to Florida. We went to dinner and said that we would start talking to our family. I couldn’t even eat that night ‘cause I was so nervous even thinking about saying it. And I remember the last time that I saw him, you know, I was so scared to hug and kiss him goodbye at the airport.
SG: Because of somebody seeing you.
AG: Because of somebody seeing us. And I will always be upset that I couldn’t have said a proper goodbye.
SG: You called me roughly three p.m. and I knew immediately from your tone of voice, something was really wrong.
AG: I said that Bryan wasn’t just my friend, he was my boyfriend of four years. But even then I didn’t want to say it.
SG: Why is it still something that you’re uncomfortable with?
AG: I’m afraid of disappointing you. I’m afraid it doesn’t fulfill the life that you probably intended for me to have. And I also didn’t want to change our relationship.
SG: I’ve never had any of those thoughts about planning a life for you. Whatever it means for you to be happy, that’s all I care. I told you, right after Bryan died, anybody that’s that important to you is that important to me.
AG: I remember at the funeral, his cousins came up to his girlfriends, you know, our mutual friends, and asked, ‘Do you know who his girlfriend was?’ You know, ‘Was it one of you?’ And I was standing right there beside them thinking, ‘This is not the time to say it but you really don’t know who Bryan was.’
SG: If you could talk to Bryan’s parents what would you say to them?
AG: I mean I, I did write them a letter. Because I think they should know that he was loved and that he was in love. They haven’t responded to me. Uh, but I want them to know that Bryan was my everything. And we had an amazing future planned.
SG: Do you think you’ll ever hear from them?
AG: I don’t know. I hope so.