Kirk Sharp (KS) and Ryan Sharp (RS):

KS: Do you remember any of our conversation while you were considering ending your own life?

RS: No, I don’t, don’t remember any of the conversations. It’s like I blacked out. I came home and things were different. And I remember me and my sister Stacy were all at the pool. And, I don’t remember exactly what happened but, I remember I, I had my pistol up to my temple. My finger was on the trigger. And then my sister said, ‘What are you doing?’ I think it was after that that I ran into the woods. I’d, I, I ran off with my gun and apparently I wanted to shoot myself in the woods.

KS: I wish I would’ve known more. Then we could have gotten you help sooner. I’d seen a completely different Ryan. And I didn’t understand how to deal with it. And at that point you had no idea that you had a traumatic brain injury?

RS: No, no I, no idea at all. Until I reconnected with Justin. I had been deployed with this man. And he was telling me how he was on permeant disability through the V.A. And I was like, ”Oh my God man. What happened?” And he says, ‘I have a T.B.I.’ And I go, ‘When did you get that?’ And he goes, ‘You were there.’

And it was at that point that things just started coming back. And the first thing that came to me was the explosion in my head, the pain of it. And then the next thing I remember, is my team leader had grabbed me by my vest and was shaking me asking me, you know, ‘Sharp, Sharp, Sharp.’

KS: This event occurred how many years prior to the diagnosis?

RS: Almost 10 years.

KS: How’s that make you feel after finally being diagnosed?

RS: I was angry. Because the entire time I thought, these issues that I was having were fixable. That if I spent enough time psychoanalyzing myself, that I’d be better eventually. But so much of it was a result of this injury.

KS: You almost felt as though you were at fault, or you felt as though it was a weakness?

RS: Yeah, I felt, I, I couldn’t get myself to work right. I didn’t trust myself and I still don’t to an extent. But the things that are wrong with me are an injury and I can’t necessarily fix them. But I can learn to deal with them. I was finally able to forgive myself for so many of the things that I put my family through. Survival is a constant struggle and sometimes people confuse it with living. I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to learn how to live again.