StoryCorps 457: Eternally Eight

Michael Garofalo (MG): I want you to try to think back to being a kid. Try to remember a time when you were home without your parents. Maybe you were with your siblings. Maybe you were alone. Maybe you took the opportunity to do something that you normally weren’t allowed to do. Maybe you got a thrill out of breaking the rules or just getting away with something without your parents knowing. I mean, this is normal kid stuff. Most of the time in these situations, stuff you get into is pretty harmless. Well, the story we’re about to hear starts during one of those childhood moments, but ends in an unthinkable accident.

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Lee Smith (LS): You know, when something happens, like when a crime happens, you’re mad at this person but we had nobody to get mad at, because how can you get mad at a 10-year-old little boy?

MG: That’s Lee Smith, and in this episode of the StoryCorps podcast from NPR we’ll hear a conversation she had with her son, Sean about what happened one afternoon in 1989 when Sean and his little sister found their father’s gun.

I’m Michael Garofalo. We’ll be right back.

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MG: Welcome back. We first ran this story a few years ago, but as we come up on the one month anniversary of the shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, we wanted to revisit this particular conversation. The kids who survived the Stoneman Douglas shooting have responded in a way we’ve never seen before. And listening back to this story, I was reminded just how hard it is to turn grief and suffering into something else – especially when you’re a kid.

This story took place in 1989 in Pembroke Pines, Florida. That’s just a 30 minute drive south from Parkland.

One spring day, Sean Smith and his sister, Erin, rode their bikes home after school. Sean was 10, Erin was 8. And when they got home, their parents were still at work.

Now, two things had happened recently that you should know. First, there had been a robbery in the neighborhood, and Sean and Erin’s father had taken out his .38 revolver and hidden it in a dresser drawer. Just in case. The second thing you should know is that the kids had been grounded from playing Nintendo. Nobody can remember why anymore, but their parents had hidden the cartridges from them. So, like most kids would do, Sean went looking for the hidden games. He and Erin went into their parents’ bedroom, started rummaging around in their father’s dresser, and that’s where they found the gun. You’re about to hear from Sean, who’s now in his thirties. He’s speaking with his mother, Lee. And they’re going to tell you what happened next. But before we play you this tape, you should know it’s graphic and very disturbing.

Sean Smith (SS): I remember taking the gun out. My sister was off to the side of the room. I distinctly remember her saying, “You should put it back,” and she ran across just as my finger hit the trigger. It went off and, in a flash, she was down. My ears were ringing and I remember picking her up and sitting her in my lap. I had my hand over the wound and I grabbed the phone and I was calling 911, trying to talk to the operator.

Young Sean: I didn’t know my dad’s gun was loaded and I shot her.

SS: I remember trying to do CPR on her but there was no response to it.

Young Sean: …she’s dead.

911 operator: She’s dead?

Young Sean: Yes. Please get my mom and dad. Oh my God…

SS: Once the cop got there I remember him bringing me into the living room and sitting me down and, you know, I was just trying to wrap my 10-year-old mind around what had happened. That, you know, in an instant my sister wasn’t there anymore.

What do you remember about that day that Erin died?

Lee Smith (LS): It was just a blur to be honest with you. You know, when something happens, like when a crime happens, you’re mad at this person but we had nobody to get mad at, because how can you get mad at a 10-year-old little boy?

Do you remember any conversations you had with your dad at that time?

SS: I just remember him saying, “It’s not your fault.” But I couldn’t help but blame myself at that point, you know, I didn’t even think of where he might have felt some guilt as well. I mean, any little mention or memory of Erin would break me down and, you know, I’d be a crying mess.

LS: Even though you fought like brothers and sisters, whenever there was a picture opportunity, you always put your arm around her like you were protecting her.

SS: Yeah. We were only a year apart, and we definitely had that sibling love.

LS: You know, I had the hardest time when people asked me how many children I have. They go, “Oh, what’s their ages?” And I say, “41, 36, and eternally 8.”

SS: How did you see this change me?

LS: When you were younger, it seemed to me that you just pushed it aside, but as you got older it seemed to come more to the surface.

SS: Yeah. I dropped out of high school, got introduced to drugs, and um, cocaine was definitely a big factor in my drug use. But then my son, Dylan, was born and I didn’t want to go back to that life anymore. So my son pretty much saved my life.

If you could speak to Erin now, what would you want her to know?

LS: I’d love to be able to tell her that you were okay, but I’m worried that you’re not. I worry that this is going to haunt you forever.

SS: I would want to tell her I’m sorry. I regret every single thing that happened that day. And I wish one day that I’ll be good and it’d be nice to finally say that and, you know, and mean it.

LS: —and mean it. (laughs)

SS: Yeah.

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MG: That’s Sean Smith speaking with his mother, Lee, at StoryCorps in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. They’re remembering their sister and daughter, Erin Smith, who died on June 5, 1989.

So that’s the only interview we’re going to listen to on this episode, but I did want to bring on the producer, Jud Esty-Kendall to give us a little more background on the story. Hi, Jud.  

Jud Esty-Kendall (JEK): Hi, Michael. 

MG: So, Jud, this is an incredibly difficult conversation to listen to. I can’t imagine what it was like for them to have it.

JEK: Yeah, it’s not a conversation that they’d ever really had before. It was one of those situations where I think everyone involved was blaming themself and feeling a lot of guilt, but there was no communication about it. As Sean describes it, him and his father were like a divorced couple and Lee, the mom, was the go-between. I think Lee really held the family together from what Sean had to say.

MG: So, Sean’s parents are still together.

JEK: Yeah, they’re still together and Sean actually is living with them at this point.

MG: So one of the most haunting things in this story is the 911 call.

JEK: Definitely. That call was played a lot at the time on local news and it was used also in a gun safety curriculum that actually was taught at Sean’s school.

MG: So this is something that even if he wanted to escape it, it sounds like Sean couldn’t.

JEK: Yeah, definitely. The shooting happened on June 5th, so it was near the end of the school year and Sean’s mom wanted to get his mind off it, so she sent him to summer camp. In the interview, he tells this story about what happened to him there.

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SS: They had gun safety class, so all the kids packed into this little gymnasium. And the police officer that came in was the first officer on the scene. He’s like, ”Very recently, there was an accident not too far from here, and there was a 10-year-old boy that, you know, accidentally shot his 8-year-old sister and I remember turning to my counselor, and telling her, like, ”That’s me. That-that’s me.”

And I started bawling, got up and ran out of the room. And then all of a sudden, the police officer came out, ran over to me, and, you know, he said, ”Oh my God, Sean, if I had known that you were here, I-I wouldn’t have brought it up.”

LS: I remember FOX news went all throughout our neighborhood and asked other parents with kids your age if they were ever afraid to have you come over and play with them.

SS: Mm.

LS: And for some reason, the TV people put our phone number on the television. I don’t know why, but they did. People started calling in saying nice things, and giving well wishes, and all and, you know, and it was okay. And then all of a sudden, this one guy called. You can clearly tell that this guy was an adult. He said, ”May I speak to Sean please.” And I’m like, ”Well, who’s calling?” And he just started saying it was Sean’s fault and he was going to go to hell, and, you know, all this stuff.

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MG: So Sean’s in his mid-30’s now, and this happened more than a quarter-century ago. Do people in the area still know who he is? Is he recognized, like, outside of his family, in what ways is he reminded of this in his everyday life?

JEK: He told a story about going on a blind date once and the woman had actually looked him up online and asked him the question, ”Did you do this on purpose?” And at that point, Sean basically ended the date, put his money on the table, and said, ”I’ll never see you again.” So, in answer to your question, he really hasn’t been able to escape this even today.

MG: The week that this happened in 1989, four other kids were also shot in similar situations where one kid found a gun and accidentally shot someone else. Three of those kids died. And that spurred Florida to pass legislation that would make it a crime if you left a gun around and a kid found it and hurt someone else with it. Florida was the first state in the country to do this. There are now 28 other states that have laws like it.

If you want to read more about this story, you can go to our website, StoryCorps dot org.

JEK: Yeah, and there’s a photo there of Erin and Sean the day before she was killed. And Sean has his arm around Erin just like they talked about in the interview.

MG: Well, that’s it for this episode. The story was produced by Jud Esty-Kendall and Andrés Caballero. This episode of the podcast was produced by Elisheba Ittoop and myself. And as always, if you want to know what music we used in this episode, head over to our website, StoryCorps dot org. While you’re there, you can make a reservation for your own interview or find out more about our do-it-yourself smartphone recording app. For the StoryCorps podcast, I’m Michael Garofalo. Thanks for listening.

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